Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize