I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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