How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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