Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Still dying that you shit outside
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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