Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
