I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
