The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
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