i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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