Who wears a wallet chain?!
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
