I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize