you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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