You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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