Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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