my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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