Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
