I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize