don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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