u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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