he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
