The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Randomize