Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
