I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Randomize
