"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Randomize
