there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize