Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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