i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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