Me. At least after what I've been through.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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