Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
