I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
