Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
