My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize