i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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