You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
