just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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