I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
