I want to walk on stilts...naked
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
