i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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