i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
