3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I could make wine with my vomit
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Randomize
