I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
