You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
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