how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
