I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
whose ass print is on the piano?
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Randomize
