it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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