had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Randomize
