More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
