im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
