If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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