Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
