I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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