drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
