your thong is hanging out like whoa
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
