Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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