you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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