Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
