Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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