All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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